Best Albums Ever: "Thriller"

Attention J.T., Rihanna, Kanye, Brit, Jay, Beyonce, Weezy, Gaga, Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, et al.:

Two things happened in 1982: 1) I was born AND 2) Michael Jackson released Thriller. The former is kind of like a big deal; whereas, the latter is a HUGE deal. The sales of every album in each of your individual catalogs will probably never combine to reach the total sales of this ONE album. You’ll never drop an album that makes your face as instantly recognizeable as Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, Che Guevara, or Yao Ming. You make music videos because of “Thriller”, but Michael Jordan, Marlon Brando, Naomi Campbell, Magic Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Macaulay Culkin, Chris Tucker, and Wesley Snipes will never star in yours – you’ll just have to settle for the likes of Scarlett J., Camilla Belle, and Michael Rapaport. And don’t even think of asking guys like Martin Scorsese, John Singleton, John Landis, or Vincent Price to get involved.

Justin, make an album with nine straight tracks that are as good as “My Love” and you’ll still be dancing in his footsteps. Rihanna, don’t act like I didn’t see you at Galliano’s fall 2008 runway show mouthing, “Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa.” Kanye, he’s Christopher Columbus, and you’re just the pilgrim. Brit, he invented comebacks. Jay, you weren’t the first to deliver your vocals from memory. Beyonce, years before “Single Ladies”, my friends and I were playing a game called “Moonwalker” for Sega Genesis. Weezy, do you really think the world would be as accepting of freaks if it wasn’t for him? Gaga, “Just Dance” is great, but I STILL crap my pants whenever I hear the opening drum beat from “Billie Jean” on the dance floor. Taylor, hi. JoBros, Jackson 5… enough said.

To call him the King of Pop, is, quite frankly, an understatement. Michael Jackson was, is, and always will be Pop.

Act like you know,

Christian

P.s. Isn’t it about time for another “We Are The World”??? Just a thought…

P.p.s. Which one of you is curating the Michael Jackson tribute album?

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Michael Jackson – “P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing” (zShare)

Best Songs Ever: "The City Is Mine"

Hi Mr. Jay-Z,

Some people think Lil Wayne is the best rapper alive. Some people say DJ Khaled. Additionally, others be fronting like Q-Tip holds that title. No disrespect to those other heavyweights, but you’re soooooo good at rapping – you’re the best. Perhaps, detractors don’t like the pop songs you’ve been making since In My Lifetime, Vol. 1, but those people have probably never experienced the exhilarating thrill of  counting stacks. I used to hustle marinade at farmers’ markets, so I feel you. Gosh, I’d say the lyric sheet for “The City Is Mine” should be on display at the Smithsonian, but you don’t write your lyrics down. Anyways, well, I guess I just want you to know that I think that song is pure genius – it’s like you were foretelling the next decade of hip hop history. Are you psychic? When you claimed, “I ain’t a player, get it right, I’m controllin’ the game”, I just took your word for it. Thanks for being you.

Still listening,

Christian

P.s. Hahahaha! Nice Keyser Söze impression in the video. “Are you trying to get a rise out of me, Agent Rappinport?” Michael Rapaport? Wow. I was driving him to a party once, and he was running late, so I rolled through a stop sign. Just so happens, my boss saw me run the stop sign, and he immediately called me on my cell. My boss was questioning me, “Why’d you run that stop sign?!?!” Mr. Rapaport overheard me trying to justify the traffic violation, and he said, “Tell him you’re driving Michael Rapaport!” So I told my boss, and my boss paused and asked, “Who?” Pffff!!! Glad to know that your career had a little more longevity than his.

P.p.s. Do you seriously play Monopoly with real cash? Baller.

Jay-Z – “The City Is Mine” (zShare)

VMAN Slumps

Dear VMAN,

Are you watching the NBA Playoffs? Crazy, right? Who would’ve guessed that the Rockets would take the Lakers to seven games without Yao? The Lakers are the most talented team in the league, but they only go hard when they feel like it. On any given night, they can beat any team in the league – by twenty points. Conversely, however, on any given night, they can lose to any team in the league. They’re up and down and side to side like a centipede! It’s too hard to root for a team like that. Do you understand where I’m going with this? You’re acting like the Lakers – all the potential in the world, but you’re still hit or miss. Your latest cover – with Joseph Gordon-Levitt – well, it’s hideous! He looks like one of the cast members from that movie Alive – you know, the one where the plane crashes in the Andes and the passengers freeze/run out of food/cannabalize each other. It doesn’t exactly embody summer. Also, it’s freaking Joseph Gordon-Levitt! You may as well have put McLovin on the cover… Or, hell, Shia LaBeouf – at least he gets to hook up with Megan Fox in his movies. It did, however, elicit a reaction (albeit of disgust), which is more than I can say for your dual spring covers – those shots were more boring than seeing the trailer for Sandra Bullock’s The Proposal for the nineteenth time in two months (I swore that movie had come and gone already…), and they completely betrayed those fuchsia suits by Calvin Klein and Givenchy. If you think that sprinkling a nude editorial of Doutzen between shots of Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend and articles about Ashley Olson will justify your price tag, then you’re in for a shock – guys that are into fashion porn just wait for those pics to hit the web.

Disappointed,

Your Father

P.s. Why can’t you be more like i-D’s Manhood Issue? Continue reading…

Outbox: Class of 2009

Dear Class of 2009,

You kids are so lucky. You have Gossip Girl!!! We come from a world where Dawson’s Creek reigns supreme. Teen pregnancies and rehab weren’t concerns for Dawson Leery and the other students at Capeside High – they were more interested in paddle boats and Paula Cole… snore. We belong to the worst era in pop-culture history. For example, when you hear Limp Bizkit or Smash Mouth, you throw up a little. When we hear Limp Bizkit and Smash Mouth, we remember the good ol’ days. Years from now, your high school memories will probably be accompanied by the sounds of Coldplay and Lil’ Wayne, and you have us to thank for that. Napster was our generation’s gift to the world, and it could only have come from an era where the pop acts were so bad that the kids had to file-share in order to find the real musical talent. Nowadays, pop acts have to actually be good if they want to top the charts, or else indie acts like The Postal Service, Peter Bjorn and John, and MGMT will steal their audience’s attention via The Hype Machine, what.cd, Facebook, or whatever. So if the Jonas Brothers’ new album sucks, you’re fortunate enough to be graduating at a time when an album like Passion Pit’s Manners can find your attention. Just remember when you’re putting Passion Pit all over your graduation/summer playlist, pour out a little liquor for the Discmans, ‘NSYNCs, and Pamela Andersons of the world that paved the way for a world of iPhones, Justin Timberlakes, and 90210 episodes about students that make sex tapes.

You’re welcome,

Class of 2000

Passion Pit – “Little Secrets” (zShare)

Best Songs of 2009: "No Turning Back"

Captain’s Log, Stardate -313638.31. The USS Pretty Young Thing has been receiving transmission from a galaxy far, far away. The transmission is an endless loop of Gui Boratto’s “No Turning Back.” Timeless AND immediate, “No Turning Back” could have been the soundtrack to the Allied invasion of the beaches of Normandy. It should be playing in the background when Jack and Rose embrace on the bow of the Titanic. Pootie Tang and Biggie Shorty will dance to this track at their wedding reception. And it is a fitting first entry to a premature list of the best songs of the year. Live long and holler.

Gui Boratto – “No Turning Back” (zShare)

St. Vincent Tries To Make Me Like Her

In the red corner, from music’s latest capital, Brooklyn, New York, with the release of Actor, she’s the music blogosphere’s latest phenom, the orphaned daughter of Sweeney Todd, she’s St. Vincent!

In the blue corner, from the Mormon Mecca, experts call him the next Manute Bol, he once ate an entire chocolate cake all by himself, friends know him as Christian Stephens, fans know him as 2Taaaaaaaaaaaaall!

2Tall made it very clear coming into this fight that he doesn’t want to like St. Vincent because she uses awkward photos of herself as album artwork. Look, he’s putting on the headphones – it looks like we’re about to get started. Ding ding! He’s pressed play. Oh dear, 2Tall looks like he’s bored. This is too easy for him. He’d rather be with Feist… fifteen minutes later… Well, fans, it looks like St. Vincent is starting to win over 2Tall with the help of witty lines from “Actor Out of Work” and the pulse of “Black Rainbow”… five minutes later… Well, this looks like it’s over, she’s lost his attention again. Seems like 2Tall will only be coming back to Actor for a few songs.

St. Vincent – “Actor Out of Work” (sike)

The Most Interesting Man In The World Doesn't Want To See Your Package

His blood smells like cologne. He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels. He lives vicariously through himself. He is The Most Interesting Man In The World. Here’s what he has to say…

Catch the drift? Casual chic, Chaplinesque – just a couple of the terms thrown around to describe the baggy pajamas as trousers look from several menswear collections this spring… an obvious backlash to the tight jeans that have infiltrated Super Bowl parties, strip clubs, and Tool Time audiences everywhere. Look, when The Most Interesting Man In The World says jump, you jump. If Steven Cox and Daniel Silver tell you to jump, you ask, “How high?”

Looks from Bottega Veneta, Duckie Brown, Roberto Cavalli, Kris Van Assche, Louis Vuitton, and Duckie Brown (again) via men.style.com.

Continue reading…

Will Guys Wear Leggings And/Or Skirts?

Short answer: yes. It’s just a matter of time – men will eventually be wearing skirts and leggings. This decade has taught us that anything is possible. Go back ten years… Did you think that a black man could ever be president? Did you think that Justin Timberlake would ever have more street cred than Eminem? Did you think that someone like William Hung could ever get his or her fifteen minutes? Let’s face it, at some point men everywhere are going to have to confront the idea of wearing leggings or skirts. I’m sure there are some guys that think this is going too far, but there are a lot of guys out there that thought skinny jeans was going too far. Look at those guys now – still in their Ed Hardy gear… tsk tsk.

Ugly guys aren’t going to be able to pull off this look, but a lot of good-looking men won’t be able to pull it off either, if for no other reason than it’s going to require a lot of confidence. For example, check out the Comme des Garcons model in the above left photo – a simple look, kinda James Deanish with the white tee, he owns it. The Duckie Brown model in the middle is so cool, it doesn’t matter what he’s wearing. The John Galliano model on the right – eh, not so much. He has the deer in the headlights look on his face. He’s thinking, “Are my friends going to see this?” Like my mother used to say: “A confident man wears the clothes. A John Galliano Man gets worn by the clothes.”

What to expect? Expect a few guys to try this look out and pull it off (a la the Japanese guy in the last photo on the next page), and expect a lot of guys to try it out and fail. Don’t expect it to last long, however, because most guys will eventually get sick of having to pull down another layer of clothing whenever they have to take a leak.

Click continue reading to see looks from Givenchy, Lanvin, Comme des Garcons, Duckie Brown, and John Galliano. Continue reading…

Outbox: Rick Ro$$

Dear Mr. Ross,

I never thought that I would be writing you fan mail. You are, after all, a fraud. But hip hop needs a character right now. Lil’ Wayne is making rock music. Kanye West is designing shoes. T.I. is counseling troubled youth. Eminem probably should have stayed retired. Will Smith is making movies. The charts are being dominated by The Black Eyed Peas and handicapped kids named Soulja Boy and Asher Roth. Things aren’t looking good for rap in 2009. That is, until now. Your new album Deeper Than Rap is just what the doctor ordered – consistent, soulful, classy. It’s Godfather not Scarface – the South’s American Gangster. Your guests on this album are spot-on… Were they your picks? Magazeen and Robin Thicke? Who knew a former corrections officer had such great taste? Kudos to you, Officer Ross, and let’s hope this is only a prelude to a summer filled with solid hip hop releases… Here’s looking at you Cam’ron, Twista, Big Boi, 50, Clipse, Damian Marley and Nas.

Yours truly,

Christian Stephens

P.s. “The fat Tommy Lee – I made out with like eight broads.” Oh no you didn’t!

P.s.s. “I’m the greedy genius – No reference to the ugly clothes.” Are you starting to play with words?

Rick Ross feat. Robin Thicke – “Lay Back” (zShare)

R.I.P. Plaid

A memo to hipsters:

We like plaid too. However, we like it because it reminds us of grunge – not because it helps us get in touch with the working-class. Seriously, unless you’re a lumberjack, you shouldn’t be wearing plaid anymore. You are not working-class. Put down your PBR and quit pretending to not care. The truth is, you do care, but you probably lack imagination.

Allow us to help! We suggest you start with a gradient print. Very clean. Very easy. If you’re feeling a little more gutsy, try polka dots, but think micro-pattern, not Dusty Rhodes.  If you don’t like those suggestions, Dolce & Gabbana played with some oriental prints for spring. We don’t like the oriental prints that much, but you obviously enjoy pretending to be someone else, so perhaps this trend will find you well.

Check out the looks from Givenchy, Miharayasuhiro, Alexander McQueen, Lacoste, Comme des Garcons, Burberry, Dries, and Dolce & Gabbana after the jump.

Continue reading…