Archived entries for Music
NBRHDWTCH November (PRE-THANKSGIVING OBVS) Playlist.outbox: remember the time
Dearest Mikey J,
Growing up in Indianapolis, Indiana during my formative years (yes, we were Hoosiers together, Mike!), I spent my ’90s childhood reveling in your genius (or at least idolizing my older brother Jolly, aka your number one fan). Jolly was obsessed with mimicking your moves and your voice- when he wasn’t devoting himself to 2Pac, naturally- and when he came home from school, my sister Ali and I would swiftly make our way to the TV room, where we’d join him, the youngest of the four boys in our family, in impromptu lip-syncing to “Beat It” and attempts at the robot and the moonwalk (big bro was actually quite impressive for a suburban white boy, as was noted by all his observers). We’d blast “Scream” and jump around the couches in awe-inspired revelry, enchanted by the beat and impossibly catchy melodies you explored. After watching your video for “Smooth Criminal,” we dangerously attempted your elegant floor-skimming lean, and by the time we heard “Man in the Mirror,” we considered you our own personal friend. When “Thriller” crept through the speakers or onto the television screen, little Al would either run to Mommy or cry in fright… such was the power of your imagination and work. I mean, really- we practically worshipped you.
Best Albums Ever: "Thriller"
Attention J.T., Rihanna, Kanye, Brit, Jay, Beyonce, Weezy, Gaga, Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, et al.:
Two things happened in 1982: 1) I was born AND 2) Michael Jackson released Thriller. The former is kind of like a big deal; whereas, the latter is a HUGE deal. The sales of every album in each of your individual catalogs will probably never combine to reach the total sales of this ONE album. You’ll never drop an album that makes your face as instantly recognizeable as Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, Che Guevara, or Yao Ming. You make music videos because of “Thriller”, but Michael Jordan, Marlon Brando, Naomi Campbell, Magic Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Macaulay Culkin, Chris Tucker, and Wesley Snipes will never star in yours – you’ll just have to settle for the likes of Scarlett J., Camilla Belle, and Michael Rapaport. And don’t even think of asking guys like Martin Scorsese, John Singleton, John Landis, or Vincent Price to get involved.
Justin, make an album with nine straight tracks that are as good as “My Love” and you’ll still be dancing in his footsteps. Rihanna, don’t act like I didn’t see you at Galliano’s fall 2008 runway show mouthing, “Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa.” Kanye, he’s Christopher Columbus, and you’re just the pilgrim. Brit, he invented comebacks. Jay, you weren’t the first to deliver your vocals from memory. Beyonce, years before “Single Ladies”, my friends and I were playing a game called “Moonwalker” for Sega Genesis. Weezy, do you really think the world would be as accepting of freaks if it wasn’t for him? Gaga, “Just Dance” is great, but I STILL crap my pants whenever I hear the opening drum beat from “Billie Jean” on the dance floor. Taylor, hi. JoBros, Jackson 5… enough said.
To call him the King of Pop, is, quite frankly, an understatement. Michael Jackson was, is, and always will be Pop.
Act like you know,
Christian
P.s. Isn’t it about time for another “We Are The World”??? Just a thought…
P.p.s. Which one of you is curating the Michael Jackson tribute album?
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Best Songs Ever: "The City Is Mine"
Hi Mr. Jay-Z,
Some people think Lil Wayne is the best rapper alive. Some people say DJ Khaled. Additionally, others be fronting like Q-Tip holds that title. No disrespect to those other heavyweights, but you’re soooooo good at rapping – you’re the best. Perhaps, detractors don’t like the pop songs you’ve been making since In My Lifetime, Vol. 1, but those people have probably never experienced the exhilarating thrill of counting stacks. I used to hustle marinade at farmers’ markets, so I feel you. Gosh, I’d say the lyric sheet for “The City Is Mine” should be on display at the Smithsonian, but you don’t write your lyrics down. Anyways, well, I guess I just want you to know that I think that song is pure genius – it’s like you were foretelling the next decade of hip hop history. Are you psychic? When you claimed, “I ain’t a player, get it right, I’m controllin’ the game”, I just took your word for it. Thanks for being you.
Still listening,
Christian
P.s. Hahahaha! Nice Keyser Söze impression in the video. “Are you trying to get a rise out of me, Agent Rappinport?” Michael Rapaport? Wow. I was driving him to a party once, and he was running late, so I rolled through a stop sign. Just so happens, my boss saw me run the stop sign, and he immediately called me on my cell. My boss was questioning me, “Why’d you run that stop sign?!?!” Mr. Rapaport overheard me trying to justify the traffic violation, and he said, “Tell him you’re driving Michael Rapaport!” So I told my boss, and my boss paused and asked, “Who?” Pffff!!! Glad to know that your career had a little more longevity than his.
P.p.s. Do you seriously play Monopoly with real cash? Baller.
Outbox: Class of 2009
Dear Class of 2009,
You kids are so lucky. You have Gossip Girl!!! We come from a world where Dawson’s Creek reigns supreme. Teen pregnancies and rehab weren’t concerns for Dawson Leery and the other students at Capeside High – they were more interested in paddle boats and Paula Cole… snore. We belong to the worst era in pop-culture history. For example, when you hear Limp Bizkit or Smash Mouth, you throw up a little. When we hear Limp Bizkit and Smash Mouth, we remember the good ol’ days. Years from now, your high school memories will probably be accompanied by the sounds of Coldplay and Lil’ Wayne, and you have us to thank for that. Napster was our generation’s gift to the world, and it could only have come from an era where the pop acts were so bad that the kids had to file-share in order to find the real musical talent. Nowadays, pop acts have to actually be good if they want to top the charts, or else indie acts like The Postal Service, Peter Bjorn and John, and MGMT will steal their audience’s attention via The Hype Machine, what.cd, Facebook, or whatever. So if the Jonas Brothers’ new album sucks, you’re fortunate enough to be graduating at a time when an album like Passion Pit’s Manners can find your attention. Just remember when you’re putting Passion Pit all over your graduation/summer playlist, pour out a little liquor for the Discmans, ‘NSYNCs, and Pamela Andersons of the world that paved the way for a world of iPhones, Justin Timberlakes, and 90210 episodes about students that make sex tapes.
You’re welcome,
Class of 2000
Best Songs of 2009: "No Turning Back"
Captain’s Log, Stardate -313638.31. The USS Pretty Young Thing has been receiving transmission from a galaxy far, far away. The transmission is an endless loop of Gui Boratto’s “No Turning Back.” Timeless AND immediate, “No Turning Back” could have been the soundtrack to the Allied invasion of the beaches of Normandy. It should be playing in the background when Jack and Rose embrace on the bow of the Titanic. Pootie Tang and Biggie Shorty will dance to this track at their wedding reception. And it is a fitting first entry to a premature list of the best songs of the year. Live long and holler.
St. Vincent Tries To Make Me Like Her
In the red corner, from music’s latest capital, Brooklyn, New York, with the release of Actor, she’s the music blogosphere’s latest phenom, the orphaned daughter of Sweeney Todd, she’s St. Vincent!
In the blue corner, from the Mormon Mecca, experts call him the next Manute Bol, he once ate an entire chocolate cake all by himself, friends know him as Christian Stephens, fans know him as 2Taaaaaaaaaaaaall!
2Tall made it very clear coming into this fight that he doesn’t want to like St. Vincent because she uses awkward photos of herself as album artwork. Look, he’s putting on the headphones – it looks like we’re about to get started. Ding ding! He’s pressed play. Oh dear, 2Tall looks like he’s bored. This is too easy for him. He’d rather be with Feist… fifteen minutes later… Well, fans, it looks like St. Vincent is starting to win over 2Tall with the help of witty lines from “Actor Out of Work” and the pulse of “Black Rainbow”… five minutes later… Well, this looks like it’s over, she’s lost his attention again. Seems like 2Tall will only be coming back to Actor for a few songs.
Outbox: Rick Ro$$
Dear Mr. Ross,
I never thought that I would be writing you fan mail. You are, after all, a fraud. But hip hop needs a character right now. Lil’ Wayne is making rock music. Kanye West is designing shoes. T.I. is counseling troubled youth. Eminem probably should have stayed retired. Will Smith is making movies. The charts are being dominated by The Black Eyed Peas and handicapped kids named Soulja Boy and Asher Roth. Things aren’t looking good for rap in 2009. That is, until now. Your new album Deeper Than Rap is just what the doctor ordered – consistent, soulful, classy. It’s Godfather not Scarface – the South’s American Gangster. Your guests on this album are spot-on… Were they your picks? Magazeen and Robin Thicke? Who knew a former corrections officer had such great taste? Kudos to you, Officer Ross, and let’s hope this is only a prelude to a summer filled with solid hip hop releases… Here’s looking at you Cam’ron, Twista, Big Boi, 50, Clipse, Damian Marley and Nas.
Yours truly,
Christian Stephens
P.s. “The fat Tommy Lee – I made out with like eight broads.” Oh no you didn’t!
P.s.s. “I’m the greedy genius – No reference to the ugly clothes.” Are you starting to play with words?
Yeah Yeah Yeahs Really Suck / Art Brut Do Their Best Art Brut Impression
An interview with Karen O from Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Eddie Argos from Art Brut about their bands’ new albums…
PYT: Can you describe what your new albums sound like?
Karen: Well, we are done pretending. We were never really punks. We were just poseurs. The truth is… we’re spoiled art student kids, and It’s Blitz reflects that.
PYT: So, you’ve found your sound?
Karen: Yeah, we could only keep up the punk schtick for so long – we’re much better at making background music than we are at making rock music.
PYT: What about Art Brut Vs. Satan, Eddie?
Eddie: It’s an album with a meaningless title, I guess. We aren’t really looking in any new directions – we’re pretty content staying the way we are, which is okay I guess. Although, the last song on the album, “Mysterious Bruises,” might be the best song we’ve ever made – musically, that is. Lyrically though, it’s not that great – nothing on the album really is. I’m pretty much running out of ironic/witty things to say.
PYT: So, what would you two say to music fans out there that were expecting great things from your respective bands after your impressive debut albums?
Eddie: Our live shows are still good.
Karen: Listen to Kelly Clarkson.
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Come To Scandinavia For The Model Babes. Stay For The Music.
A long time ago, the Vikings went into Europe and took all of the female beauties back to their homeland, and that’s why Scandinavians are such a fine breed. It’s science. Exhibit A: Siri Tollerod and Agnete Hegelund.
What history and biology texts won’t tell you, however, is that Scandinavia is home to some of the world’s most talented musicians. Why? Because of the climate. Hypothesis: Great music only comes from climates that are less than ideal because those people are more likely to develop mental illnesses; thus leading to genuine creativity that warm weather climates can only attempt to artificially imitate through substance abuse (like Jamaica). Think about it…
The U.K. (too much rain) – Radiohead, Dragonforce, Kate Winehouse/Lily Nash…
NYC (smells like garbage in the summer) – Jay-Z, TV On The Radio, Lady GooGoo…
Scandinavia (sun doesn’t effing rise in the winter/doesn’t set in the summer) – Röyksopp, Fever Ray/The Knife, Dungen, Sigur Rós…
Fever Ray’s self-titled is the polar night without the aurora borealis. Isolated. DEPRESSION. Hell freezing over. Röyksopp’s Junior is pretty much the opposite – music by people that can’t get to sleep in the summer because the sun won’t go down. INSOMNIA. Global Warming. Karin Dreijer alters her vocals throughout Fever Ray, but for her two guest spots on Junior, she uses her natural singing voice. It’s like two entirely different singers. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.