GETTIN’ STARTED YOUNG. (These are the gems you can only resurrect on Christmas vacations, guys.)
Look out Rihanna. Comme pasties are so much hotter than sequin-spangled stars. (AND A DEFINITE MUST IN EVERY THREE TO FIVE-YEAR-OLD’S FASHION ARSENAL.)
We are so VOGUE PARIS.
xx
Blank eyes. Sallow skin. Protruding bones. Deadly stare. We’re all familiar with the cadaver-chic look popularized by fashion’s most eminent tastemakers- the human hangers frequently gaze over at us from the covers of Italian Vogue and saunter past desensitized editors on European catwalks. More than likely, we, too, have grown accustomed to the obligatory child-like bodies, the sharp cheek bones, and the angular hips- low points in the frivolous, fantastical world that is fashion. So it was with jaded eyes that an unintentionally zombie-ridden editorial in W shocked me out of my boots. In the place of radiant beauties energetically flaunting fall’s luscious fashion smorgasbord, emaciated, sunken-in faces plastered with ghastly, near ghoulish expressions gawked blankly from the gloss, the drab, dreary lighting highlighting their fragile limbs and bony ankles. Standing lifelessly or lounging in supposed stupors like mindless revelers at a corpse bazaar, few people could identify these girls as warm-blooded humans, with only their visibly protruding veins giving them away as not-quite-legal money signs in the modeling biz. It hardly seemed like I was eliciting the emotional response luxury companies anticipate when they throw their product out on the market- I was appalled!- and not only at the industry’s glamorization of weakness and childlike frames, but because the nightmare lives on in every important style publication, with fashion’s once-bright young things tirelessly succumbing to its pressures. And contrary to the claims of delusional casting directors and out-of-touch designers, it fails to represent any sort of aspirational fantasy, but rather a dismal confirmation of fashion’s stereotypical selfishness and inhumanity.
Remember the days when we celebrated All Hallow’s Eve as the one night of the year when the spirits of the dead could return to earth? (Hocus Pocus 4 LIFE, babes.) When skanks’ kinky PVC guises weren’t malfunctioning for perverted hipsters all over the East Village? When potentially uglifying yourself for the sake of horror was socially acceptable? Yeah, me neither. So could there really be any better time to resurrect modestly-induced Halloween terror? The pre-Saw ghost stories and haunted attractions? If Gareth and Giles have anything to say about it, we’ll be crawling in spidees and basking in goth gowns by spring (I LOVE), and with that unique inspiration hot off the presses, millions of runway looks freshly etched into my skull, I dedicated myself to disguising myself as an old-school forest-floor-crawling wicked witch for the big night (specifically look thirty-four at Gareth Pugh on Abbey Lee, stalkers- results above). Positively enchanting. And by the looks of this year’s requisite hookers devils/Gagas/bunnies, we should all be begging for a little intentional fright. In which case, I also present you with that girl from The Ring (no she doesn’t have a name, duh). And for the rest of the year, when you’re desperately longing for terrifying freak-show garb? I always recommend costume-scoping on the L-train.
It’s that time of year again… I’m not talking pre-show casting season or back-to-school shopping (how cliche!), nor is it the celebration of two decades of my existence (the parade starts promptly at sunrise on August 9th, babes), but rather the moment is ripe for the unveiling of the September issues. Party at the Conde you say? Before you all lose your knickers- I hear Grace is quite the cougar- as it seems another lackluster year after another, the perennials- Charlize, Jessica, Kate, and more blonde blah- will be out in full force on U.S. soil. (OMG Confederacy is so the new black.) It seems to be just a sad fact of life that PYTs on this side of the Atlantic must choose between reading middle-aged heiress fluff, always disguised as a life-and-death matter, on losing fat around the collarbone (ahem, Vogue), how to slut your way into skinny- just like [insert trashy B-list celebrity]! (I hate you, Elle), or, at the ultimate best, style-guides for disguising spilled PBR in mountains of head-spinning patterns (please disappear forever, Nylon). Did we mention all the poor-economy garbage about conservative (timeless! classic! wear forever!) dressing for recessionistas? Just the term makes me gag! Where’s the creativity? The stunning avant-garde? Where are the first-rate models and the eye-opening spreads? Why has all the thoughtful writing gone to the blogs? Heaven forbid a journalist critique a fellow insider- or worse yet, a member of fashion’s sacred Mount Olympus! And what happened to that irresistible urge felt by inspired readers to lock themselves up with a glossy, read it cover to cover, and then cut up its copy to immediately incorporate into collages?! All evidence seems to scream that European mags are now carrying the edgy, need-it-now torch. And with French Vogue’s editors singlehandedly sparking the latest rock ‘n’ roll style craze, Italian Vogue launching a million and one black models’ careers, and Pop featuring a Russian-socialite-princess-cum-leggings designer at the top of the masthead, clearly that claim would be impossible to dispute. (You know leggings are so hot right now.) But with the intention of reviving our own nation’s beloved Vogue- yes, I do still owe my Anna-worshipping loyalty to the title- I propose we play a little game called “The September Issue.” How festive. It’s quite simple really- players merely imagine the perfect “Fall Fashion” edition of the magazine (What’s that Fabien? Oh yes, ads may be included.)- a roundtable of sorts! Oodles of fun, no? Now put on your best Givenchys and suck in those stomachs…I call I’m the Editor-in-Chief!
Fedora? Mmhmm. Wet-look waves? No doubt. Finger bandages? Off the wall! Yes, pretty young things, these stylistic elements are, for all intents and purposes, trademarks of the legendary King of Pop, and seeing as you are all well aware of mine and Christian’s undying love for the entertainer, I thought it fitting to treat our readers to Vogue Nippon’s “Pop Pin-Up” (published March 2009). The modern, wearable homage to Michael Jackson’s signature look features model Ali Stephens channeling MJ’s stage persona, stylist Polina Arinova tapping into his wardrobe, and Josh Olins capturing the moves… quite a sparkling editorial fitting for this period of mourning, no? And (creatively) there’s nary a Balmain band jacket in sight! Fabulous, darlings. Now throw on some loafers, pull out your old “Thriller” paraphernalia, and moonwalk to the nearest club… just avoid the cemetery and refrain from beating up on any rebels along the way, though if you do, just blame it on the boogie.
Dearest Mikey J,
Growing up in Indianapolis, Indiana during my formative years (yes, we were Hoosiers together, Mike!), I spent my ’90s childhood reveling in your genius (or at least idolizing my older brother Jolly, aka your number one fan). Jolly was obsessed with mimicking your moves and your voice- when he wasn’t devoting himself to 2Pac, naturally- and when he came home from school, my sister Ali and I would swiftly make our way to the TV room, where we’d join him, the youngest of the four boys in our family, in impromptu lip-syncing to “Beat It” and attempts at the robot and the moonwalk (big bro was actually quite impressive for a suburban white boy, as was noted by all his observers). We’d blast “Scream” and jump around the couches in awe-inspired revelry, enchanted by the beat and impossibly catchy melodies you explored. After watching your video for “Smooth Criminal,” we dangerously attempted your elegant floor-skimming lean, and by the time we heard “Man in the Mirror,” we considered you our own personal friend. When “Thriller” crept through the speakers or onto the television screen, little Al would either run to Mommy or cry in fright… such was the power of your imagination and work. I mean, really- we practically worshipped you.
Oh hey Carine!
For years you’ve dazzled the fashion industry with your easily-identifiable brand of sexy rock ‘n’ roll cool alongside your trademarked Parisian je ne sais quoi, sparking carnal lust in men and greedy desire in more feminine card-wielders. You’ve managed to out-shock the competition with your devilish “sex sells” mantra and Margiela-swathed strut, frolicking in the natural attention and reveling in the Moet-popping excess. Does it come as any surprise to hear that you’ve revolutionized modern fashion as we know it? You and BFF Emanuelle Alt have diabolically put the Park Avenue royalties’ style to shame. The “Do Not Disturb” sign so icily cementing the classy attire heralded by Anna Wintour and her perfectly-coiffed and lacquered gang has been ripped off for you to replace it with an Emilio Pucci-biased bouncer. You’ve knocked the style heavy-hitters out of the ballpark with your Balmain and Rick Owens (which have both flourished under your tutelage) and broadened our interpretations of “polish.” While women once swooned over a princess-cut De La Renta, they now dream of a cut-out, curve-hugging Alexander Wang. Elaborately caged, dangerously provocative platforms have unapologetically replaced restrained stilettos in captivation of shoe fetishist hearts. Gothic silver jewelry and a quintessentially French style of fresh, natural beauty (messy bedroom hair and appealingly dewy skin) have contributed to your characteristic rebellious streak, along with a heavy hand of highly pigmented black eye kohl. And where lifeless minimalism and girlish romance once took up ad space, consumers are now treated to hard-edged glamour with erotic currents and racy art direction. It’s all kinda genius. What warm-blooded human isn’t going to stop and stare with our dominating primitive instincts? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you brought sexy back before JT ever set foot on a disco ball. The only thing preventing your high fashion material from becoming fodder for unseemly membership sites are the gangly models and thousand-euro designs they’re sporting (am I right, legs-wide-open Natasha Poly?).
Is there any movie more universally cherished than the witty storybook romance of The Princess Bride? Buttercup’s forbidden love for her darling and his determination to rescue her is the stuff of tween dreams (and pop songs). Without fail, Westley’s obedient “As you wish,” always makes our hearts pitter-patter (as does his adorable blonde ponytail once he’s become the Man in Black). And then there’s the endearing duo of vengeful Spaniard Inigo Montoya and lovable giant Fezzik… It’s practically the greatest story ever told! (And yes, I think Fred Savage could attest to that.) So imagine my excitement when I discovered hints of hunky Westley in the draped, knotted blouses at Givenchy, the layered cowl-neck dresses at Ann Demeulemeester, in the gathers and folds of the tunics at Donna Karan, even in the caped, turbaned crusaders at Jean Paul Gaultier! Enchantingly romantic and powerfully strong, the inspiration of our charming hero is irresistible. And for Buttercup once she’s been rescued by her lover? An ethereal Nina Ricci gown, of course! If only life could always be like a fairy-tale… until then at least we’ll have the clothes.
Beachside runway shows. Coca Light handlers. iPod archivers. Personal entourages made up of dazzling male models and muses. Is there any fashion icon more ostentatiously fabulous than the supreme Karl Lagerfeld? The answer is a clear no, as yesterday the Chanel designer staged an extravagant production for the label’s upcoming cruise collection on a Venetian boardwalk, pretty boys and glamorous gowns in tow. Continue reading…
Anyone recognize the repulsive terror to the left? (Yes, folks, that is me. I styled myself in a walk of shame outfit just for you.) You’ve probably seen some variation of the try-hard princess riding a baby blue fixed gear down the boardwalk, treating herself to a striped sweater, or perhaps making a mockery out of herself at the nearest pub. Could the tackiness get any worse? It would seem impossible, what with trashiness, uniformity, and vulgarity collectively topping the list as the prime sins of today’s hipster brigade, yet they continue to infiltrate our society, taking control of the once cool and once unique individuals and turning them into empty-headed zombies. Their “rebellious” fringed scarves never end! The tattered leggings just won’t die! Their rainbow-hued buffalo plaids scar the eyes! Needless to say, the scenesters’ dishearteningly tasteless sartorial choices and vapid inspirations are giving me (and every other sober human being) a giant headache. Something must be done, and we’re not talking a complete destruction of the Lower East Side (though that might help). Never one to leave any fellow in the dark, I’m going to help guide our foolish, er- absolutely delightful!, poseur readers onto the path of fashion enlightenment. Those that once harbored a penchant for the tawdry will be schooled in the craft of simplicity, silhouettes will be cleaned of messy layers, and dirty denims will be washed away to make room for the sleek and figure-flattering. Fabulous idea, right? I know, for you actual hipsters it may be a hard concept to accept. For whatever reason, you actually like dressing in a costume everyday. And then there are the ones that just won’t admit that they’re a part of the modern youth-quake crowd in the first place- denial is always the first sign that you’re one of… them. But when your everyday outfits resemble anything close to my “peace, love, and sailing” concoction on the left, you’ve got an obviously tragic case of the wannabes. Amusing, isn’t it? I pity the fool. Now click continue reading to find out how to lose the lameness before Doctor MJ loses her head.