Best Albums Ever: "Thriller"

Attention J.T., Rihanna, Kanye, Brit, Jay, Beyonce, Weezy, Gaga, Taylor Swift, Jonas Brothers, et al.:

Two things happened in 1982: 1) I was born AND 2) Michael Jackson released Thriller. The former is kind of like a big deal; whereas, the latter is a HUGE deal. The sales of every album in each of your individual catalogs will probably never combine to reach the total sales of this ONE album. You’ll never drop an album that makes your face as instantly recognizeable as Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, Che Guevara, or Yao Ming. You make music videos because of “Thriller”, but Michael Jordan, Marlon Brando, Naomi Campbell, Magic Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Macaulay Culkin, Chris Tucker, and Wesley Snipes will never star in yours – you’ll just have to settle for the likes of Scarlett J., Camilla Belle, and Michael Rapaport. And don’t even think of asking guys like Martin Scorsese, John Singleton, John Landis, or Vincent Price to get involved.

Justin, make an album with nine straight tracks that are as good as “My Love” and you’ll still be dancing in his footsteps. Rihanna, don’t act like I didn’t see you at Galliano’s fall 2008 runway show mouthing, “Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa.” Kanye, he’s Christopher Columbus, and you’re just the pilgrim. Brit, he invented comebacks. Jay, you weren’t the first to deliver your vocals from memory. Beyonce, years before “Single Ladies”, my friends and I were playing a game called “Moonwalker” for Sega Genesis. Weezy, do you really think the world would be as accepting of freaks if it wasn’t for him? Gaga, “Just Dance” is great, but I STILL crap my pants whenever I hear the opening drum beat from “Billie Jean” on the dance floor. Taylor, hi. JoBros, Jackson 5… enough said.

To call him the King of Pop, is, quite frankly, an understatement. Michael Jackson was, is, and always will be Pop.

Act like you know,

Christian

P.s. Isn’t it about time for another “We Are The World”??? Just a thought…

P.p.s. Which one of you is curating the Michael Jackson tribute album?

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Michael Jackson – “P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing” (zShare)

Best Songs Ever: "The City Is Mine"

Hi Mr. Jay-Z,

Some people think Lil Wayne is the best rapper alive. Some people say DJ Khaled. Additionally, others be fronting like Q-Tip holds that title. No disrespect to those other heavyweights, but you’re soooooo good at rapping – you’re the best. Perhaps, detractors don’t like the pop songs you’ve been making since In My Lifetime, Vol. 1, but those people have probably never experienced the exhilarating thrill of  counting stacks. I used to hustle marinade at farmers’ markets, so I feel you. Gosh, I’d say the lyric sheet for “The City Is Mine” should be on display at the Smithsonian, but you don’t write your lyrics down. Anyways, well, I guess I just want you to know that I think that song is pure genius – it’s like you were foretelling the next decade of hip hop history. Are you psychic? When you claimed, “I ain’t a player, get it right, I’m controllin’ the game”, I just took your word for it. Thanks for being you.

Still listening,

Christian

P.s. Hahahaha! Nice Keyser Söze impression in the video. “Are you trying to get a rise out of me, Agent Rappinport?” Michael Rapaport? Wow. I was driving him to a party once, and he was running late, so I rolled through a stop sign. Just so happens, my boss saw me run the stop sign, and he immediately called me on my cell. My boss was questioning me, “Why’d you run that stop sign?!?!” Mr. Rapaport overheard me trying to justify the traffic violation, and he said, “Tell him you’re driving Michael Rapaport!” So I told my boss, and my boss paused and asked, “Who?” Pffff!!! Glad to know that your career had a little more longevity than his.

P.p.s. Do you seriously play Monopoly with real cash? Baller.

Jay-Z – “The City Is Mine” (zShare)

VMAN Slumps

Dear VMAN,

Are you watching the NBA Playoffs? Crazy, right? Who would’ve guessed that the Rockets would take the Lakers to seven games without Yao? The Lakers are the most talented team in the league, but they only go hard when they feel like it. On any given night, they can beat any team in the league – by twenty points. Conversely, however, on any given night, they can lose to any team in the league. They’re up and down and side to side like a centipede! It’s too hard to root for a team like that. Do you understand where I’m going with this? You’re acting like the Lakers – all the potential in the world, but you’re still hit or miss. Your latest cover – with Joseph Gordon-Levitt – well, it’s hideous! He looks like one of the cast members from that movie Alive – you know, the one where the plane crashes in the Andes and the passengers freeze/run out of food/cannabalize each other. It doesn’t exactly embody summer. Also, it’s freaking Joseph Gordon-Levitt! You may as well have put McLovin on the cover… Or, hell, Shia LaBeouf – at least he gets to hook up with Megan Fox in his movies. It did, however, elicit a reaction (albeit of disgust), which is more than I can say for your dual spring covers – those shots were more boring than seeing the trailer for Sandra Bullock’s The Proposal for the nineteenth time in two months (I swore that movie had come and gone already…), and they completely betrayed those fuchsia suits by Calvin Klein and Givenchy. If you think that sprinkling a nude editorial of Doutzen between shots of Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend and articles about Ashley Olson will justify your price tag, then you’re in for a shock – guys that are into fashion porn just wait for those pics to hit the web.

Disappointed,

Your Father

P.s. Why can’t you be more like i-D’s Manhood Issue? Continue reading…